With the news that Corvettes have finally entered LeMons, the floodgates are likely to open for other semi-exotic hardware. The ‘Vette was probably legit, but cheaters have almost certainly won LeMons before. What would you try?
We’ve asked the always loquacious and often-times polarizing Jack Baruth, the author of SpeedSportLife’s “Avoidable Contact,” reigning champion in the high-stakes game of auto forum trolling and three-time runner-up for the “Color Blind Drivers of America Annual Achievement Award” to step in this week on Question of the Day. — Ed.
You don’t need to cheat to win LeMons. I won the first round-the-clock one (Flat Rock 2007) with a second-generation Supra that hadn’t even had its oil changed. All you need is to take long driver stints (two hours minimum, three hours preferred), avoid contact, make every reasonable pass while skipping every unreasonable one, and have solid mechanical help in the pits. If you follow that strategy and have a relatively reliable car, you will finish at or near the top, guaranteed. The undeniable truth of this in no way deters people from showing up with everything from ten-thousand-dollar Improved Touring racers to five-hundred-horsepower, hand-built LS V-8s. Most of the time, these efforts end in obscene numbers of pre-race penalty laps or spectacular on-track failure, but I can think of one or two times where a ringer made it to the podium.
I have an idea for a LeMons cheater. I’d start with a Super Stock car from my local oval track, and then I’d put just enough interior parts back in the car to make it look like it had recently been somebody’s street-whip, dubbed-out Cutlass Supreme. Factory exhausts would quiet it enough to avoid enraging the judges or the fellow competitors. Then I’d sandbag in 10th place or so until after People’s Curse. It’s not a bad idea, but I suspect there are better ones out there. Let’s hear your ideal LeMons Cheater, shall we? And don’t bother to suggest running a NASA SE-R Cup car. It’s. Been. Done.
(QOTD is your chance to answer the day’s most pressing automotive questions and experience the opinions of the insightful insiders, practicing pundits and gleeful gearheads that make up the Jalopnik commentariat. If you’ve got a suggestion for a good “Question Of the Day” send an email to tips at jalopnik dot com.)
@skaycøg: darnit, exactly what I was going to post!
Saboth
Plan #1: patina a ringer to make it look like a 500 dollar piece and hang back a bit till the end.
Plan #2: (for when Plan #1 most certainly fails) Bribe the judges with beef, beer, babes, or/and bucks. The four B’s can’t fail.
80toy
Umm, spec Miata, anyone?
Turboner
@snap_understeer_ftw: Yeah I’m with you on the bribing thing.
PowerTryp Reply Master
I rather like the story I read on here about a guy having a steel plate mounted right below the driveshaft, so when he pulled a handle before crossing the line the plate would contact the driveshaft, and there would be a volcano of sparks and smoke out the back, simulating a grenaded transmission just before winning, so nobody would try to claim his expensively modified car.
Defender90
Distract the drivers by placing Pirelli calendar girls around the track in strategic places.
skaycøg
take the shortcut, duh….
KeyserSöze – Professional Blog Commenter
spiegel1
I’d get the crummiest, marginal vehicle I could find, put up a heroic effort and go for the sympathy vote.
TR3-A
Rockets
mandwer
Find a 1970 Dodge Dart for $500.00.
Acquire a crate Hemi and give the Dart the Mr. Norm treatment.
Apply grease mixed with dirt and black paint. to enough parts to make it look ancient.
ozyran
@Bilby: Heck yeah, dude! You might even be able to replicate what happened to the Night Rider in the original Mad Max – although I’d hope it wouldn’t end in your car exploding!
ozyran
why isn’t the upload working
spiegel1
I would enter my 2004 Cavalier Base Coupe. It’s got 60,000 miles but I don’t think it would pass for a cheater. However, that Ecotec is a pretty peppy motor.
Kevin-Pecoraro
Three words: Rocket. Powered. Transaxle.
Would it win? Doubtful. Worth it? Every penny.
Bilby
Convince your local engine shop to bore out your engine to an inch of it’s life, cams, pistons, valves, but don’t clean it. Most shops require cleaning which is a dead giveaway that it’s been shooped. My two cents. Probably not worth that much
komododave
Hmmm… what comes to mind first is having someone buy something reasonably priced, crash it and then “sell it” on Craiglist to me.
Let’s pick a car at random: an S13 240sx. Someone could find a good example with lots of life left and maybe even a few simple modifications for around 2k, “carefully” hit a tree at low speed on private property, deploy the airbags and then make it look like a reasonable salvage sale at 500. If you pick someone not related to you, or even better from a different state, it would be hard to trace.
Strip and sell the non-essential parts and you’d have enough budget left for some reliability and performance tweaks.
Of course, if you did any of that you’d be an asshat of the highest caliber.
BeanBone
I’d retrofit one of them fancy Toyota accelerator pedals.
SuperfunkMF
bribing you guys
You’re not tricking me into giving you my tactics
snap_understeer_ftw
Possibly by using some kind of Truck/Condorcar combo as seen in the classic Disney film “Condorman.”
Pick it up at 5:45.
armyofchuckness
My current car is an ’03 Accent, with about 70,000 miles. It’s been well maintained all its life (up until I got it in December), and despite being saddled with an automatic, it’s light and peppy (well, at lower speeds) enough that it wouldn’t completely embarass itself (at least in a LeMons field). More importantly, it was free – a hand-me-down from my parents. At that point, I’d just have to make sure I didn’t screw up the car’s reliability with the wrong $500 in modifications.
Maymar
KERS
snapoversteer ’bout to get told
Big sweaty homosexual sexual favors
Reggin2